Doc Visit

I posted the other day about my meds and the probs I've been having lately. So, I reluctantly went to the rheumatologist doc today. After a lengthy conversation explaining my recent symptoms and issues, the doc look concerned and said that it wasn't from the meds. He said it sounded like something else was going on, possible something serious. He took 8 tubes of blood and said they would get back to me with the results in a couple days. It may be something fairly simple like anemia or it could be something major.

Well, that was definitely not reassuring!! I tried to ask him what kind of "major" or "serious" are we talking about, but he didn't want to specify anything until he got the test results back. He seemed to have a possible idea or two, but he wouldn't vocalize them to me.

Soooo, the wait begins. Fingers crossed and prayers said for something simple and treatable! Oh, and I now have a new big nasty bruise from all the blood being drawn - right in the inner elbow area of my right arm. OOUCCHH!!!

Helpful or Hurtful

I've been on a certain medication for about 4 months to treat my rheumatoid arthritis. The benefits are great in that I am able to move, walk, and work with minimal pain and stiffness. The downfall is the side effects. Being a diabetic for most of my life makes me very susceptible to pretty much anything and everything, so taking a med that reduces my immune system to practically zip is not good.

Well, the last month has been horrible for side-effects. I have broken out in tiny itchy bumps that cover my arms, hands, fingers, knees, and feet. I also bruise at the tiniest little thing. I've always bruised very easily, but this is insane! I sat in a lawn chair for about an hour, and the result was a bruise down my spine about 8 inches long. Last weekend, I was reading and had my arm rested on the table. Yep, another big nasty bruise.

My husband and my dad have been telling me to quit taking the meds. They worry about my health. But unless you actually know how painful the RA flare-up is, that's easier said than done. Before I started this round of meds, I was only able to walk with a cane. I could barely work on the computer because I couldn't grip the mouse or type on the keyboard. As a photographer, these are things that I have to be able to do. So I spoke with my mom yesterday, and she convinced me to go back to the doc and talk to him about all this. I've also been really depressed, which is unusual for me, the happy-go-lucky person. But I have to admit that I am starting to agree...while the meds help, it's becoming not worth the side-effects. Six of one - half a dozen of the other.

Joint damage and swelling from RA before I started back on the meds.
Two middle toes bending away from each other and top of foot swollen, red, and splotchy.

Beginning of the itchy bumps. They actually scared my arms and hands.

Bruise on my right side, between armpit and hip. This came from sitting in a rocking chair.

Bruise on forearm from resting it on a table while reading for about an hour.

Unconditional??

Sometimes, the people you love the most let you down. They hurt you, emotionally. The only reason they are able to do so is because you care about them. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be bothered by it all.

How can someone who loves you, someone in your own family, believe you are capable of horrible things? I don't mean horrible like murder or anything, more like lying and cheating, especially when everything you do is for your family and to make them happy. I thought your innermost family were the ones that were supposed to believe in you. They are supposed to be the ones that support you emotionally.

Absolutely everything that I do is for my family. I want them to be happy. I want them to be proud of me. I constantly make posts on my Facebook page (before I disabled it on Sunday) that are about my family...how much I love them, how I am excited to spend the day with them, even pics of us together. Anyone and everyone that knows me, knows how much my family means to me. I would NEVER do anything to hurt them or disappoint them.

Yet last Sunday, my world came crashing down around me. Not only one but the two closest family members believe and accuse me of doing bad things. There is absolutely no reason for them to do so, and their logic makes no sense. They even went so far as to make posts on my Facebook page about it, hence why I deleted the post and deactivated my page. I am absolutely mortified and hurt by their actions; I cannot even think straight.

I don't think that I will ever fully recover from this. Even if they realize their mistakes and apologize, I will never trust either of them like before. I will never have that sense of family or safety with my loved ones again. I will always worry when it will happen again. I will always wonder why and how they could believe such horrible things about me when I have done nothing but always be there for them and love them unconditionally.

How can the two closest people to me in the world believe that I am capable of such things? How could they so quickly and carelessly break my heart?

I am my own tree

Yes, you read my post title correctly.  I am my own tree.  Now you're probably thinking, "What in the heck are you talking about?" while questioning which psychotropic drugs I am taking. LOL, no worries.  :)  It's all good.

You see, I have this tree in my yard that absolutely fascinates me for some unknown reason. I first noticed it when we viewed this property before putting in an offer to buy it. I took the below photo with my cell phone. Although it was mid-November in Oklahoma, it was still beautiful when most everything else was dying off! I look at this image often, but I could never put my finger on why it touched me the way it did. It actually triggers an emotional response from me.

Then today, it hit me!!! This tree is me...I am my own tree. Allow me to explain the best way that I can and in my own weird way. I am just a small tree with the world twisting around me in every way possible, yet I stand strong and am surrounded by beauty all the time.

If you look closely, the actual tree is on the right side (that's me). It's not very big and is hardly noticeable in the big picture. What people see are the vines twisting around it. Those vines are the world twisting around me seemingly changing the shape and taking attention off of me, the base tree. In reality, those vines are deadly and can hurt or kill the tree. With that said, the tree (me) still stands strong despite the obstacles trying to overpower. And surrounding me is beauty. Beauty in the color of the weeds and flowers and leaves. The natural things that add color to and are part of life.

 

So while you may not notice me in the overall big picture, I am still here...still standing strong despite obstacles trying to bring me down. And I will continue to thrive with the help of everything beautiful by my side. I am my own tree!